It’s amazing what you can learn from books. Like how sorting by color is literally the worst way to organize them. How can you ever find anything like that?
Sometime reasonably early last year, I made a plan to increase the number of books that I read over the course of 2021. Like most plans that go beyond a typical “resolution,” I was able to achieve my goal and cleared a fair volume of books over the year. I’ve rediscovered my love of reading that took a temporary hiatus right about the time that my wife and I had our first child. Like most parents, I feel like that particular timing correlates well with a lot of substantive life changes. While I may write a post about how important I think reading is to growth and learning, this is not that post - so don’t worry about getting lectured to that you aren’t reading enough… but you probably aren’t.
As part of my journey through the written word last year, I was able to finish the book Radical Candor by Kim Scott, who has been in multiple positions of leadership within several tech companies including Apple and Google. The overall thrust of the book is that you need to be transparently candid with your team, while simultaneously caring personally about them. Like many great business books, she summarizes her overall thesis with a simple graphic that you can check out at this link (just scroll about halfway down the page).
The point is effectively that you need to tell the truth even when it’s hard to say (and hear), but that it needs to be balanced by treating people with respect and sincerity. While most of her examples are drawn from her life experience, Scott gives a lot of anecdotes that will be relatable to anyone who currently manages a team or anyone who aspires to do so. If you fall into either of these categories, I definitely recommend the book.
However, as I was plugging through it, my mind kept rotating back to something that I see far too many IT professionals doing in their careers which is falling into the trap that Scott calls “obnoxious aggression.” This is what occurs when you provide candid feedback but don’t care about your colleagues and “love” (Scott’s word) them well. I’ve been in enough design review meetings to hear the withering criticism (which is often deserved) delivered in the least caring way possible. In fact, sometimes it feels like the phrasing used was conjured specifically to deliver a maximum amount of blunt force trauma to someone.
IT is a team sport. Unlike foosball, which is commonly played with two people. Still, those little fake footballers count as a team, right?
I’ve also been in meetings that aren’t necessarily about anyone in the room. One time I was a judge for a reasonably prestigious award at a major technology conference, and the roundtable discussion to assign the awards was anything but cordial. There were multiple hostile barbs thrown around like “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” At one point, someone labeled someone else’s opinion with the R-word that I won’t repeat here out of respect for those with learning disabilities. I want to be clear that these issues were very much in spite of the organizer(s) admonishing such behavior. These were the actions of individuals, and not the collective. Still, I was so put off by the whole thing that I decided I wouldn’t do it again; I don’t want to be around that kind of behavior.
It occurred to me that this type of aggression (and frankly condescension) is endemic to the IT field, and often so much so that we’ve become numb to it. I’m not at all proud to admit that this is something that I have had to actively compensate for and quash during my career – especially when I was a bit younger. I can’t speak for everyone, but I am self-aware enough to know that in my case this comes from a place of insecurity. I was the newer, younger member on my team, and I wanted people to see that I knew what I was talking about. Unfortunately, that need to prove that I was accurate landed me in a few embarrassing situations when in fact, I was not. Instead of simply being wrong, I ended up being wrong and embarrassed because I had argued vehemently that I was right.
Even if others have different reasons, this kind of behavior is so common that virtually all IT pros have encountered it at some point in their careers. That’s unfortunate, because it’s ultimately damaging not just to the individuals that are being castigated, but the organization as a whole. The net effect of being this aggressive is to make teams less effective. It’s not hard to see why this is a bad idea for a business or a team - but for the sake of completeness, I’ll briefly go through it. People want to be affiliated with a group that they believe supports their best interests. When needlessly harsh or uncaring words are used, it’s easy for people to become disenfranchised with their colleagues or their company, ultimately leading them to stop caring; they disengage. There’s considerable research on the impact of disengaged team members on an organization’s performance, but you probably don’t need to review it. After all, would you want to work with a bunch of people who didn’t care about your well-being?
This is the best kind of jerk. Don’t be any other kind.
Even more damaging, in my mind, is that it can malign the entire industry and profession of IT. I have talked about this quite a bit at various VMUG events around the world, but there’s a reason that “Nick Burns, Your Company’s Computer Guy” was such a popular Saturday Night Live skit in the 90s – and it’s because the stereotype of “the jerk from IT” was an easy thing for most viewers to relate to. So, please – for the rest of us: stop being such a jerk. If not for us, then for yourself; I know of very few successful IT executives that got there by sheer belligerence and dogmatic views. In many ways, being so harsh limits you as much as it does others. It’s truly a lose/lose situation.
So, what do you do about this? It’s a tough question based on who you are - and frankly, where you are - in the organization. I don’t have all the answers, but I can give you a few tips that I think are useful and I’ve used to some effect multiple times.
Consider how you’d like to hear whatever it is you’d like to say if you were on the receiving end.
Look, the Golden Rule is golden because it’s always in fashion and always the right answer. This is just a paraphrase of that perfect piece of advice: treat others how you’d like to be treated. I can’t improve upon this, so I won’t even try. Just put it into practice and over ninety percent of your problems disappear.
Ask yourself if what you’re about to do or say is what is best for the team and the person in question.
If they’re struggling with some new skills, it’s perfectly appropriate to let them know that they’re behind the curve. After all, an IT professional with an atrophying skill set is risking obsolescence of their career – and that’s clearly not in their best interest. Likewise, your team is only as strong as your weakest link, so by telling people the truth kindly, you stand at least a fighting chance of improving both. If it’s best for the team but bad for the individual, think through ways you could come up with a win/win. I’ve previously had to let an employee go for financial reasons, but I helped them find a new position that they could thrive in and they’re much happier.
Count to 3 before responding
Virtually all of the worst things I’ve ever said to someone happen in the first few seconds after I hear something that upsets me. I rarely premeditate a truly nasty response, if ever. My guess is that you may be the same way; most people are at their worst immediately after receiving news that’s truly unwelcome. So, after you hear the bad news - count to three. If you’re still emotional after that, tell people you’ll get back to them. Take the time to calm down before you re-engage. If that’s a minute, cool. If it’s a day – also cool. Just don’t respond when you’re hot. You’ll screw it up.
Remember that people build things
I’ve been caught more than once looking at some install or design and wondering out loud what imbecile did it this particular way, only to turn around and realize that the particular “imbecile” in question was standing right behind me. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that people build things. Yes, they can do it wrong. Yes, they can make terrible, terrible decisions - but they’re never going to get better by having their noses rubbed in it. Instead, try pointing out why something is a poor fit or poorly functioning.
I suppose what I’m saying at it’s simplest form is that you and your team will be more successful if you try to actually care about each other and use language and actions that reinforce that. You do not at all have to be divorced from telling people the truth. You are very rarely served best by showing everyone around you how much smarter you are than them. While it may win you points in the short term, it will erode a major piece of what makes teams effective: relationships and trust.
I encourage you to spend some time thinking through whether or not you are being radically candid with your colleagues and team, or if you’re one of the many IT professionals that thinks they’re just “telling it like it is” to the detriment of people around them. If you’re in the latter group, you, your team, and your profession are better off if you stop doing so right away. Strive to deliver your feedback and responses with kindness, compassion, AND truth. The three are not mutually exclusive.
Questions for reflection
Have you ever worked with someone who was obnoxiously aggressive? How did it impact you or the team?
Have you ever caught yourself snapping at someone because you didn’t pause and breathe right after they told you something upsetting?
How can you help those around you to get better while still caring about them and their well-being?
