Note: Hey, everyone! I had to undergo some minor nasal and sinus surgery, and I’m laid up for a few weeks. Instead of just disappearing for a while, I thought it might be fun to get some different perspectives on the blog. So, please enjoy this guest post by my wife, Danielle Athanas who has some thoughts about what it’s like to be married to an IT professional, given that she’s done it for fifteen years. -Steve
She means “nerds.” The kind of people who can (and will) readily point out the inaccuracies in this picture. There’s a better than 30% chance you clicked on this blog because of those inaccuracies.
There was a point in college when I looked around at the company I kept and had this internal thought that there was a very high likelihood that I would eventually wind up marrying a “computer geek”. Many of my closest friends were young men who worked part-time jobs in various technological professions with focuses ranging from systems administration to programming. As it turned out, in my penultimate semester I started dating the student admin who ran IT for Student Affairs, which is the group that included Residence Life.
That was in March of 2003. Since then, 19 years have passed and as I’ve watched my now husband work through the ranks of IT and form a career, I’ve learned a thing or two (or more) about being the spouse of an IT professional. Maybe you’re reading this and you’re thinking “Uh... they fix computers, right? What could you possibly need to know for that, they just do the thing and then come home, right?” Or maybe, like most of Steve’s readers, you’re an IT professional yourself and you’re curious what the hot take of an IT spouse is. Or maybe you’re wondering why the heck I’m writing this post and Steve’s not here.
That last one isn’t that interesting. He’s recovering from surgery on the couch watching The Price is Right.
At any rate, I thought I’d insert myself into the blog this week and share with you all a few of the tricks I’ve learned over the almost 20 years (more if you count the aforementioned college friendships) I’ve been doing life in some capacity with an IT pro. While I don’t know that I’d call this an “IT Pro Marriage Handbook”, I think that I probably have some tips that could be useful advice for navigating those relationships.
If this is the face you make every time your partner discusses their profession, you may want to reconsider your life choices.
One of the first things I learned is that it will really help if you have a basic interest in technology. This may sound obvious, but if you aren’t at least a little bit interested in technology then you’re just not going to last long in a relationship with someone who works with it for a living. You will – let me stress this again – you WILL get bored very quickly if (as examples) you don’t have at least a passing interest in programming languages, cloud computing, or whatever the latest tech gadget wizardry is. I’m not even a little bit kidding when I say that I’ve sat through more than one dinner with Steve’s colleagues or friends that has seen the conversation turn to technology... for a while. And yes, while sometimes my eyes do glaze over if the deep dives start occurring, for the most part I can stay engaged and ask reasonable questions for clarification as needed. Side note on this: everyone likes to talk about what they’re interested in. So of course, people who are passionate about technology LOVE to talk about and teach you about what they are into, so this interest really should be genuine in order for you to survive... I mean... for it to work. Further, having a genuine (even if basic) interest in technology allows you to be able to...
Have a basic knowledge of computer troubleshooting and (perhaps more importantly) security. I do not, under any circumstances, ever ask Steve for help with my computer or phone or other piece of technology if I have not turned it off and back on again, restarted an app, or plugged and unplugged a device in – sometimes more than once. I do not, under any circumstances, ever ask Steve for help with my computer or phone or other piece of technology if I cannot clearly articulate the issue I’m having and what I’ve already done to try to alleviate the problem. When my husband said I needed to have super complicated, unique passwords and a password manager to handle them all, I listened to the reasons why and now have super complicated, unique passwords and a password manager which helps us to be more secure in what we do daily in our home. IT professionals have been dealing with computer and technology issues all day, and often the last thing they want to do when they get home – though it is inevitable it will happen at some point because of how our lives are structured – is deal with computers and their problems. Having basic knowledge so that you can be “Tier One” or even “Tier Two” support is a small, but important, thing that you can do to support them and acknowledge you care. Addendum: Play this “Tier One” support/screening role if a friend or family member asks “Do you think if your spouse would mind helping me with this computer issue?”. It helps them to feel like they are valued as more than a free member of the Geek Squad. Also, never ever enable your friends and family to use your partner as free tech support. Be their firewall.
Be ready to celebrate big wins. Anyone who works in IT or is married to an IT professional knows that it is by and large a thankless job. While major projects might get accolades from senior management, often the end users will say “Okay, thanks.” and then move on while the technology becomes a part of their daily background. Let’s be honest with ourselves; we don’t always realize the impact that new, bleeding edge tech has on our lives immediately and us lay people aren’t always “wowed” when something that’s technically major happens. On the other hand, I’ll never forget how excited Steve was when his team released their first VDI environment on campus, how passionate he was about the technology behind it, and how mind-blown he was at how far the tech had come to get us to this point. I can’t imagine our marriage would be going very well if my response had been “Oh, cool. I’mma go read my book now” or if when, after his campus experienced a cybersecurity incident last summer, I hadn’t been ready to celebrate their successes with accolades at home. No, IT pros aren’t saving lives like doctors are, but they are making our lives run smoothly on the daily and appreciate having a cheerleader on their side.
Because emergencies happen and IT professionals need to get to the scene quickly, each and every one of them should be permitted to purchase a Corvette C8 (or faster) vehicle without any resistance from their spouse. (It’s my blog, and I write the captions - Steve.)
Speaking of IT pros not being doctors, emergencies do happen and you need to prepare yourself (and your family) for when they do. I’ll never forget when Steve and I were still dating and we were at a New Year's Eve gathering with friends and he had to have a hard drive delivered to the party so that we could stop and replace it in the datacenter on the way home that night. Or the following year when he had to bail on Christmas Eve for a major calamity with the datacenter facilities that threatened all of the systems he managed. Or the time that we were in the middle of Disney and he had to take phone calls and answer emails about a crisis at work as we wandered through Epcot. Or the time last summer while enjoying a standard issue taco dinner with our kids and he ran away from the table to take a phone call with news that they were experiencing a cybersecurity incident. Emergencies happen and by their nature they are unexpected occurrences – that's what makes them emergencies. As the spouse of an IT professional, your job in these instances is to be able to be flexible, patient, and roll with the punches for the duration of the crisis. These events are largely out of their control, are going to be stressful, are going to be pressure cookers, will NEVER come at a good time, and have a decent shot at being devoid of gratitude when the event is resolved. The last thing that your IT pro needs is to be worried about whether or not they’re going to deal with the same thing at home when they walk through the door. As much as they signed up for dealing with emergencies when they took the job, so did you when you agreed to walk through life with them.
Note, there are better ways to show appreciation than to paint “THANK YOU” on the outside of a dilapidated warehouse. Have you tried making cookies? Cookies are usually a better choice.
Thank them for what they do. This kind of ties in with being ready to celebrate alongside them when they have big wins at work, but it goes a little beyond that. Whether it’s fighting with Google to get your kids signed into their Chromebooks or helping your elderly neighbor from the latest scam they fell victim to or explaining awkwardly to a family member why “those types of websites” are often bad for their computers or taking phone calls/emails/texts from coworkers and responding to crises, your IT spouse almost certainly will not leave their job and skills at work. When they convey a tough situation that happened at work to you, thank them for being patient and caring with whatever the issue was. When they come back home from helping your neighbor fix their computer, thank them for being generous with their time and talents. As I already mentioned, being an IT professional is often a thankless “background” job and so it is an encouragement to know that someone recognizes and appreciates the work that they’re doing. Without IT professionals, the world as it operates today in Western society would collapse – and while they know it, us regular folk take it for granted until our email stops working or our phones go haywire.
Life as the spouse of an IT professional is always interesting, whether it’s learning about the latest technology or being ready to provide support when they’re burning the midnight oil to save the “world”. In hindsight, I realize that the friends I kept through high school and college wound up being a sort of training course for the life I would lead as an IT Professional’s spouse. Over those years I attended computer shows (remember those?) to watch them buy parts to build towers, I listened to discussions about programming homework, I watched as they progressed from part time jobs working desktop support to their first adult gigs and kickstarted their careers. While they were doing those things, I got a BA in Psychology, developed an appreciation for geek humor and vernacular, landed a job in customer service selling airplane parts to major aerospace manufacturers, married an IT professional, and eventually came home to be a full-time mom & IT spouse.
And I wouldn’t have done any of it differently.
Questions:
If you’re the spouse of an IT pro reading this, does any of this resonate with you? Why or why not?
If you’re an IT pro reading this, do you agree or disagree with these tips? Why or why not?
If you could be any dessert, what would you be and why? (Hey – I'm the guest writer and these are MY questions. I’d be warm apple crisp because it reminds me of comfort, fall, and warm blankets with a book.)
