Surviving the Mixer

This week, our local school system is beginning their transition to full in-person classes five days per week. The first group to go includes kindergarten through second grade, which includes both of my kids. While it was a difficult family discussion, we have decided that for now our kids will continue being fully remote students for a while longer.. As a result of various associated shuffling, they  switched to a teacher solely focused on fully remote students rather than a synchronous hybrid (at home/in-person) model. Now, to say that my daughter (who is in first grade) has been nervous about this is a bit of an understatement. She is nervous because her class composition changed, her teacher changed, and her virtual classroom  changed . In other words, everything about her school day  changed and her nerves are up.

If the sight of this professional reception gives you heart palpitations, you’re not alone. Heck, I’m there there with you, but I’ve learned to adapt - you should, too.

“There you go again, Athanas… talking about stuff that has nothing at all to do with tech careers.” I hear you, and I want you to bear with me here, because I promise this absolutely does have to do with upping your game in IT, I promise. Just follow me for a bit.

It hit me that my daughter is nervous around people she doesn’t know, and that effect is amplified when it’s a group of people she doesn’t know. My son is the same way. In processing this with her and reassuring her that everything is going to be okay, I realized that both of my kids come by this naturally… because I’m the exact same way. Yay, genetics? Now, it’s possible that you’ve seen me on stage in front of a thousand people. It’s possible you’ve heard me give a talk to a room full of people I’ve never met. It’s even possible that you’ve met me in a room full of people that I don’t know. And hopefully, I didn’t give you the impression that I’m straight-up terrified. Because the reality is that I might have been. I might have been excruciatingly nervous and felt like I was struggling to stay afloat in the ocean as I kept getting water in my mouth.

Wait, what?

First, let me separate two things. Public speaking is radically different than mingling and/or working a room. I’m generally pretty comfortable on stage or presenting. Primarily, this is because it’s not a two-way conversation. I am presenting information and the audience is paying attention. While there may be a Q&A at the end, it’s going to be topical and I enjoy answering topical questions about something I just presented on. It’s actually a lot of fun for me to get into these public conversations. I feel comfortable in these, and I usually feel like I can string together a few sentences that possibly do an answer justice.

Likewise, this is not exactly an introvert/extrovert thing. I have tested as an extrovert, and I generally get energy from spending time with people… that I know. In fact, I would much rather spend my day hanging out with people I know than spending time by myself at home. Now, I want to be clear about the “people I know” qualification. I’m not necessarily talking about friends (though spending time with friends is awesome) I’m just talking about spending time engaging with people that I have already met and know something about and have some comfort with. So, I’m certainly not an introvert.

But there’s something about being let loose in a room full of people I don’t know that drives me absolutely bananas and causes my blood pressure to crank up to unhealthy levels. The reality is that I always end up feeling super isolated and lonely – even more so than when I’m actually isolated and lonely.

So, what does any of this have to do with being an IT pro? Well, the odds are that you’re probably somewhat like me. There are far more people in tech that cannot stand the idea of mingling, meeting people, and “working a room” than there are people who revel in it. By no means is this universal, but it’s definitely a pattern that I have recognized and it turns out that others have too. Certainly for me, the pandemic has made this pretty irrelevant, because there’s no real Zoom analog to a conference welcome reception or company mixer. However, with cases going down and now three separate vaccines, I think we can start talking about what happens after the pandemic, right? Please?

Now to be clear, I have gotten much better at managing this and I hope I can give you a few tips that can help you calm down and if not exactly learn to love being in a room, at least make it more tolerable and help you actually get value out of these situations. Let’s pause for a minute and let me make sure that we’re clear on one thing: I’m not a licensed…. anything. I’m not a counselor, therapist, or veterinarian. And if you’re experiencing debilitating social anxiety, it may be a sign of a more serious mental health issue and you definitely should talk to someone much smarter than me about it. However, if you’re like me and just generally would rather not go to a social mixer for the first time, read on – I may be able to give you some advice. Let’s get to it.

First, realize that no one in the room is attempting to ruin you. I mean this – it’s extraordinarily unlikely that you’re going to talk to someone and they will respond by kicking you in the stomach and stealing your wallet. Or that if you flub up and say “Yeah!” after they ask how you’re doing that they’ll run up to the PA system, grab the microphone, point at you, and say, “That person right there is a nincompoop! Let us ridicule them endlessly!” Not only have neither of those things ever happened to me, I’ve never even had anyone be rude to me because generally they’re there hoping to not just stand around lonely, too! Really, though if you are in a room where it seems like people are out to get you – leave that room. Life is too short to spend with people who are actively trying to sabotage or be mean to you. Go find a group of people or a gathering where this isn’t the case – unless you work for the CIA. I imagine if you work for the CIA this is a common occurrence, but you also don’t need this blog post. Scroll back a bit and check out my earlier entries on global espionage if that describes you.

Before I move off of this importance of realizing that people aren’t out to get you, remember that there are multiple people in the room – sometimes tons - and at least one of them is going to be really interesting and may become a solid friend. So not only are the people in the room not out to get you, you may end up meeting some really cool people if you try even a little bit. I can tell you that some of my better friends are people I met at VMUG receptions and/or VMworld. Why? Because we’re interested in similar stuff, we have similar backgrounds, and we all think pineapple on pizza is fantastic. I wouldn’t have met most of these people if I skipped the social stuff.

If you haven’t watched The West Wing, take a week off of work and do so. Just watch it straight through. In my opinion, it was (and still is) the greatest television program - drama or otherwise - ever.

Second, all mixers and receptions are finite. They end. So, if you’re deciding between watching “The West Wing” and going to the conference party, remember that “The West Wing” will still be streaming tomorrow or even later tonight when you get back - but that conference party will only happen once. You have one shot and only a few hours to take advantage of it. And almost every one of these things allows you to leave at any time. I’ve never been to a reception where they were checking people out or paying attention to how long you stay. So commit to an hour or even thirty minutes. If you can’t find someone to chat with after whatever period of time that you set you have my full permission to head back to your room and watch the antics of Josh Lyman for the 23rd time.

Finally, have a few standby comments that you can use to spark a conversation. Me, I find the dessert table as fast as possible (if there is one) and try a few things. Then I can either recommend or wave people off of something. You’d be surprised how well saying “That chocolate cake is okay, but the cheesecake is fantastic. Don’t miss out on that,” when someone comes over to the table can work out for you. If they don’t engage with you, don’t take it personally – they may hate these things even more than you do - but most of the time they’ll chat with you. Then you can rotate into introductions and see where it goes from there. And keep in mind that you don’t have to become best buddies with everyone you meet, but you have to meet someone -anyone - in order to find a new acquaintance that becomes a friend.

The point here is to just have something to talk about (besides the weather) that is an easy opening for a conversation. If there’s no dessert table, you can ask where people are from (unless it’s a work event and you all work in the same building - don’t be that person) or comment on the long line at the bar. The point is to make it something simple that relates to what’s happening in the room right now. But definitely find the dessert table. I mean, chances are, if we’ve met in a crowded room, it was near the dessert table, wasn’t it?

At the end of the day, being able to connect with people is the first step to growing your network in a meaningful way. Networking, at least in the professional sense, is a numbers game. You need to meet a hundred people to find some that are going to be both valuable contacts and possibly good friends. And truthfully, you can’t have enough contacts; meeting people from different backgrounds and cultures is something that matters not just to your career, but to our society in general. I can say this with the benefit of experience. I grew up in a rural town in New Hampshire that most people never leave with parents of very modest means. I have friends on six continents that I’m privileged to know and have learned from because I stepped out of my comfort zone and expanded my network by mingling at mixers. I’m a better person because of it, and I’m better at my job because of it.

And remember, you can always spend time at the dessert table. If you aren’t chatting, you’re at least still using your mouth.

You can make the most of these social gatherings and get a lot out of them, meet some cool people and grow as a person - or you can avoid them and be the same person you are today in ten years. That’s entirely up to you, but hopefully you can take a deep breath, follow the steps above, and at least lessen the anxiety of walking through the door. Trust me, after you do it a few times, it starts to become second nature.

You’ve got this.

Questions for reflection:

• If you had to go to a new conference where you know absolutely no one and they were having a reception, would you be excited or nervous about going?

• The next time a social mixer or reception comes up, can you commit to going for at least an hour? Can you commit to talking to at least three people?

• What three “canned openings” can you come up with to have ready to go to kickstart a conversation? Can you deliver them naturally?